A Star in need.

I am not everyone's pick.

I am not overweight, nor am I the perfect build.

I don't wear hijab - so I kalah in that category. But there are thousands and thousands of prettier hijabless girls here. Pssh, KL! So I kalah in that category too.

My posture is terrible in photos taken from an angle, something I developed in secondary school. I'd like to think my long hair does a good job in covering my slouched shoulders.

You know you mean something to me,

if I make time for you,

if I had gone out of the way to help you,

if I willingly let my ego bruised for you.

If there is one thing I take after my father, it's that - my mountains of ego. I am, after all, my father's daughter.

I am the girl you'd share a dirty joke you just heard from another friend with. Also the same person you'd turn to for advices regarding anything, especially when it comes to feelings - I am that friend.

But I hardly take my own advice. I'm hard-headed (hah!). I want what I think I know I need.

I am that friend who is protective over my own friends. I am most judgmental because of it but I make an exception for my former boyfriend's new lady friend, simply because I trust his judgment. And he has not given me any reasons not to. I don't care whether he'll be okay with this but I really do believe she is lucky to have him as her first boyfriend. I've trained you well, my young Padawan!

I laugh the loudest most of the time, because of a combination of several things - it's that hilarious, it comes naturally and I was happy. Sometimes I laugh when I'm not so happy to convince myself that I am. When I know very well that I'm bothered. And that is sad.

There is a guitar in my room now. I'm not that good, but I am better than many of those strumming chicks on Youtube.

I think I'm weird in a normal way. I wish I am special, all the time. "I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul."

For fun, I skip instead of walk sometimes. When I'm alone. Even when there are other people. Come to think of it, I did that in the office a few times. But especially at home.

Lately, I have been slowly clearing some space in my computer, in my blog (by adding more to another blog?).

Funny story - I started blogging to share nonsensical things with friends - feelings, food, music. I still do but after some time, I realise I'm more motivated to blog when I'm really happy and even more when I'm sad. But mostly, I blog to remind myself whatever happens in the future, I can be sure that that took place.

I blog about the conversations I have with people all the time mainly because I'm forgetful and I think those conversations are worthy of a revisit from future me. Wait, that wasn't funny at all.

True story - I have not been loyal to this blog.

I'm 23 years and 5 months old and I think about the M word. Not because I want to get M-ed now (can't even say the whole word). Not because of peer pressure, definitely not because of aunts I meet at weddings who try to matchmake me with their sons (seriously?). But because.. I want someone for life. Ugh. Shoot me now.

I like.. A lot of things. Not in order - Ferrero Rocher, sci-fi movies, staying in doing nothing with a special company, Milo ice cream (20 sen!), a warm hug from a dear friend, how my locks look like the day after I got a hairwash, how it looks like in the morning, my mom's BBQ chicken wings, sincere gestures, how light gets filtered in this room thanks to the blinds, when we kid around and your grasp on mine lingers, Ice Ligo, listening to songs that are in sync with whatever I'm feeling, pillow talks, holiday plans, pleasant surprises, the long car rides with you.

I dislike a lot of things - dumb romcom movies yang sik menjadi, strangers who invade my space and are practically inches away from my face just to say "Hello!", chicken parts - breast, when someone ruin my sunny side up egg (putus kawan!), creepy crawlies, toilets with no bidets (side eyes Singapore), packing and unpacking, the headache you get when you take a nap during Maghrib, not being able to sleep last night.

I am a hopeful (yes!) pessimist. I preach on how we should always look on the brighter side of things when all I do is look at the worst that might happen. You have no idea how many times Joe has pointed this out to me.

"Chamon, you always think of it that way!" said an exasperated Joe Jr. for the umpteenth time. Hehe.

But I still hope for hope.

For someone who once claimed to be an avid reader, I haven't picked up a book since last year. Unless you consider a journal a book. Oh man, I miss Fugro.

Throughout my whole life, I was my worst in 2005.

I hate Labuan with a passion.

I was broken, then patched up and now I'm alone.

No one has had the chance to see me at my best yet. There was a brief moment here and there but nothing permanent.

For that, I pray for longevity - for myself, for my family, friends and you.

Honest to God, these days, I only pray for TWO things. Always the same two words and a name.

I am running out of things to say and I know that it won't be a brilliant idea to stay at home tonight.

You have to know that I tried to make this a random list. At least I tried.

So.

Selamat hari Khamis. Selamat makan. Selamat-selamat selalu.